Friday, November 18, 2016

A Year In The Rear View

Oh quiet nights, I've missed you.

It's been a while since I've just sat here in front of my little laptop with music on and just let words come out. I haven't been sleeping that well this week, so I might as well do something productive, right?

I know I've been away for awhile. At the time, it was necessary. I've also come to discover that I have a giant lack of follow-thru. A lot of what I start tends to go unfinished, but I'm working on that I promise.

When I sit back and take a look at what I've done over the last year ... I'm a little in awe. I've done things over the last 12 months that I never thought I would do - and did them by myself. I think every now and then you have to take a step back and look at your life with a slightly broader perspective.

So, quick run down - a lot of the last year has been ... difficult so I'll skip the nastiest bits and focus on the positives (although there's a lot of positive things that came from the negative).

I moved to the big city - by myself. Well, okay to be fair I had a girlfriend help me clean out the old apartment. That was a trial and a half, holy hell. I left a lot of junk behind and donated even more to Value Village.

The reason for the move? I got promoted with work! So .. GO ME! I didn't really get promoted by myself. I had some great advice from some really important people who encouraged me to go for it. I put in lots of prep time and did well in the interviews. December 1st  of this year will be my one-year anniversary in the city. Oh, FYI - I still don't know my way around. I have 3 or 4 routes that I know to get to the more obvious places around but once you ask me to deviate from that I'm so screwed. Downtown is SUCH a gong show - not only does parking suck, but it stresses me out to be driving and looking for  restaurant that instead of having their name on the marquee outside they have a sculpture (I'm lookin' at you, Cleaver! Although, to be fair that place is de- fucking- licious.) when it's dark outside, and there's people walking around everywhere because it's the neighborhood where all the cool kids hang out - and we've already established that I am not one of the cool kids.

I've been to the Rocky Mountains, soaked in the hot springs, spent Christmas in Kelowna, and went back home for the first time in years to celebrate my birthday. That part was mildly terrifying only because my life is so different now compared to what it was like when I was home last. I wasn't sure that I was brave enough to go back home, to be honest. Turns out I am. I was reminded that as much as some things change, some things will forever stay the same. The ocean remains my happy place, and there's nothing quite like being back there sitting on a damp rock on the beach at Salmon Cove Sands and just letting the scope of everything wash over you. I don't care what anyone says - there's healing to be found at the shoreline of the Atlantic Ocean.

I've been to the CFL and the NBA - wait ... that doesn't sound right. I watched my first Stampeder's game, and the Raptors came to the city as well and I went with my roommate and some friends to see them play. They were both good days. The beer was expensive

I've been to the Stampede and drank $12 beer, eaten award-winning ribs, and relived my childhood at the midway.

I've become Auntie to one of the cutest puppies around - which is good 'cause there are times where she is an absolute shit head. And I mean that both literally and metaphorically.

I've also discovered that I have random episodes of high anxiety. This year has also included several anxiety attacks, which are scary as shit. Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime, if your interested. I don't pretend to be well versed in how to do deal with anxiety, but I can only tell you how I deal with it and hope that maybe someone will find it helpful.

I've learned that I'm harder on myself than is sometimes necessary. I'm learning to be kind. I'm learning to enjoy my own company again, to fall back in love with books and writing; to continue to be ambitious; to not rush my life to where I want it go; to be more present in my own life. It's hard. I have the tendency to want to be as good as this person, want to be thin like that person, to be as successful as him, to be a charismatic as her. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that - it's important to have goals that you want to achieve. But it's important to realize that the success these other people achieved did not happen over night. It's take work - hard work, and a lot of it. God, that life lesson took awhile to manifest itself. It didn't really manifest itself so much as it came up and smacked me in the mouth.

The only direction to go now is onward.
And upward.