Thursday, April 23, 2015

Breathe. Relax, Completely Relax.

Well, it's that time again ... another 30 Day Bikram Challenge.

Today is day 10 of the challenge, and I've done 6 classes in 10 days - which is I think a new personal best for me. I think the first Challenge I ever did I got to like 12 ... and then the one after that I think was something like 15. So, they weren't great, but it is what it is.

This time around I am so much more motivated and focused, and probably a little more mentally prepared for just what exactly goes in to a Challenge.

I've somehow managed to get a lot of TJ's classes this time around, and she's an amazing teacher. She holds the room in the palm of her hand and you can tell by the way she guides us through class and the attention she gives her students, and how she takes care of us for those 90 minutes that she's following her passion.

I was in her class last night, and usually I try not to think too much - especially in savasana when it's so easy for the mind to wander and seek distraction. But sometimes, I have really good ideas in savasana. I tell myself that I'll have to remember them for later, but most times I don't.

Except for something that floated across my mind last night. TJ was encouraging all of us to just lie still. Relax. Breathe in and out the nose. Completely relax.

Be silent.

Be still.

And something occurred to me - as much of a cliche that it is, the old saying that silence is golden is so very very true.

But, it's also so many other things.

Silence is acceptance.

Silence is gratitude.

Silence is surrendering.

Silence is breathing.

Silence is stillness.

Silence is an experience.

Lying absolutely still for a 2 minute savasana is a challenge in and of itself, and with sweat dripping down your skin (usually in to your ear), your heart beat racing, and your mind screaming at you wondering just what exactly in hell's bells are you fucking doing .. 2 minutes can seem like an eternity.

The mind loves to be in control. And savasana is slowly teaching me how to just ... let it go. Something I still don't quite fully understand, but whatever experience you have in savasana, is exactly the experience your meant to have. Just breathe. Lie still. Relax.

Usually for me, my feet tingle - like a really painful pins and needles feeling. But, what I started doing, is to take really deep breaths, imagining that it starts waaaaay down in my toes, and I'm sucking up whatever negative emotional garbage is there (I try to envision the most putrid and disgusting shade of yellow) and on the exhale, a perfect, vibrant color green. Green is good - to me, the green means that it changed, and that I'm exhaling something bad, to make myself better. Other times I inhale the color of love, and exhale that same gross yellow color.

Breathe in something good - breathe out the garbage.

I had such a powerful and strong class last night, My inner dialogue was calm.

Quite.

Fierce.

Confident.

And for the first time in a long time, I found myself praying last night after class.

A prayer of gratitude.

I have no idea who I was really praying to, but I imagine some part of the Universe heard me.

I said thank you for class.
For sharing love and energy with me.
Thank you for the teachers, the students
Thank you for the hard classes, for the challenging classes, for the really strong ones.
Thank you for the seasoned students, for the beginners.
Thank you for the safe space.
Thank you for the sweat, for the heat.
Thank you for this body of mine.
Thank you for allowing me to realize that it may not be perfect, but it is mine, and it moves in amazing and powerful ways.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.


Trust the process.

Trust your body.

Love yourself - Trust yourself.

Breathe.

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